So I knew that once I closed my store, the momentum and adrenaline of the activities would keep me busy for many, many weeks after the actual “last day”, but I had NO idea that my Worst Day Ever would occur almost two whole months afterwards.
I won’t go into too many specifics, but if you’ve ever laid on the bathroom floor at 4am and cried til you puked, then you pretty much know the pain I was feeling….no matter what the reason, if the stress/self-doubt/fear/yuckiness has got you that low, you know there’s not much further down you can get.
It took me a couple days to regain my momentum from that night, but I started feeling sick shortly after, & I was in that place where I didn’t know if the sickness or the depression was at fault for completely sapping me of all joy/life/happiness. Many talks with friends, my Mom and my husband followed. But I saw a post from my friend Amanda Frances that really resonated…..basically it was the concept of “feeling the feelings” before you actually feel them. OK, that sounded bizarre, so let me explain.
Have you ever been so low, so stuck in a yucky feeling that you just got sick of yourself? I mean like, I was sitting there thinking, GEEZ Kelly, get your Sh*t together woman! You are a wife, a bonus-mom, a champion in the kitchen! Encouraging words from friends, time with God, meditation. Still nothing. I mean literally NO change in how I felt. When I worked out, I cried. So that was a no-go too. Dammit. I am super-blessed to not have an addiction….otherwise some bad stuff may have gone down. I have also learned that alcohol & extreme depression do NOT mix with my body chemistry…if you are sad, try cutting out the depressants & upping your water intake, especially if you can’t work out.
But then I saw Amanda’s post about feeling the feelings….here’s the best way I can explain how it resonated to me: don’t force yourself to get through anything any faster than you need to. But just get in a place where you can first, simply IMAGINE what it will be like….what LIFE will be like, when you DO get through this stuff. Just close your eyes and imagine it: I will laugh at a joke. I will smile at a stranger & feel good about it. I will feel happy for no reason. Stressful things won’t bother me as much. I will pick up dirty laundry and not roll my eyes (too far? okay, bad example, but you see where I am going right?)
So literally, I am reading this sitting in the car in my driveway in the rain, and I stop and think to myself:
- I cannot WAIT to be over all these negative feelings about closing the store.
- I cannot WAIT to feel that I am worthy of being alive again.
- I cannot WAIT for God to place an action plan in my heart.
- I cannot WAIT to no longer feel rejected.
- I cannot WAIT to feel peace, kindness, a sense of accomplishment for what I did- what I HAD to do.
- I cannot WAIT for the people who are Judgy McJudgertons to stop being Judgy and go away.
Major ephiphany then occurred:: Hey, what’s so wrong with just deciding that this crappy time is now officially OVER, and start something else that’s all me?
I think the biggest part of closing my store was that it was truly MINE, and I gave up everything (time, money, resources, starting a family, my health) to do it. But therein lies the problem, my friends. I gave up everything for my store. And that’s not healthy. At all.